Here I sit; laptop upon my {very, very sore} legs trying to write a post I can link up with Things I Love Thursday.  I’ve put it off for two weeks.

It’s not that I didn’t want to write it.  I do.  It’s that I don’t want to admit what I have to admit.  But that’s part of this whole thing I’m going through.  You’ll understand more in a minute.

I have long been a fan of the YMCA.  We have been members for years, and are so grateful for their generosity with the Financial Assistance program when we needed it.  And the Healthy Kids program. And Tae Kwon Do. And Camp Manitou-Lin. In fact, we joined when I was pregnant with A.P. My kids have never not been members of the Y.  It’s a part of our lives.

I thought it was time to work on myself a bit.  Or, more than a bit actually.  Right around the time I started Big Binder, I did Weight Watchers.  I did spendidly.  I lost a bunch of weight.  Then I started exercising, and gained a few pounds.  Then some more, but at least I was exercising, right? Then some more. Then I stopped exercising. Then I gained some more weight.  Clearly, this was not a good path to be on.

I signed up for Move It To Lose it at the YMCA, which kind of like a support group with a personal trainer.  My group is small, just three women.  We meet twice a week with Connie, who at the first meeting promptly took measurements of pretty much everything measurable.

It was ugly.

Not as ugly as me trying to do sit ups on an exercise ball while it tries to roll away {I presume this is a self defense mechanism, and it’s just trying not to pop}, but still. The worst part though, was the Body Fat Tester.  You put your hands on this little device that looks kind of like a really fancy toy steering wheel.  Apparently it sends a little jolt of electricity through you {I didn’t feel a thing}.  I asked Connie if it sort of shook my fat then counted how long it took to stop jiggling? Um, yes, something like that.

I expected the nutrition information.  I expected tough workouts.  I did not expect to be sitting here, crying as I write.  None of my extra weight comes from a lack of knowledge, or lack of strength.

It comes from trying to do too much for too long.  From trying to juggle far, far too many things and not making my health one of them.  My schedule the past few weeks have been brutal; one kid with strep throat for the fiftieth time and needs tonsils out, and one who is having some difficulty that I am not going to write about.

I feel terrible complaining about having several social media and blogging campaigns to work on, because so many people are out of work, but that component of my life has been very demanding too.  This isn’t the first time I have been at a similar junction.  It has happened over, and over, and over for the past few years.

It’s all different this time.  Everything.

There is no way in the past that I would have found myself at the gym five days a week or even attempting to lose weight during a spell like this.  Or having profound realizations, such as:

My problem with weight is exactly the same as my problem with time.  I underestimate how much I am eating or I just don’t care because I want to eat more. So I am overweight {fyi – that’s the line that I have avoided writing for two weeks}. I underestimate how much time it will take me to complete another project, or I just don’t care because I want to do it.  So I am stressed out.

Everyone says to set your priorities like it’s easy.  It’s not easy.  I would venture to say that if it doesn’t cause you a mild emotional crisis, you might not be doing it correctly.

I am having a mild emotional crisis.  I am making very difficult decisions that are going to disappoint some people, and make others very happy.  I thought about the things that have caused me joy this week.  One was praying with my kid who is having difficulty. Another was making a pumpkin pie from scratch {as in, I cooked the pumpkin…}. And holding a stupid plank pose for 45 seconds.  And hanging out with my friends.

God. Family. Health. Friends.

That’s it.

Did you know that you would have to walk the length of a football field to burn off the calories in one M&M? Is it worth it? Is any of the crap that is screaming for my attention worth it? Nope.  I’m learning.  I’m moving it, slowly for now but picking up steam.  I’m not even losing it yet, but that’s my own fault.  I will.

The YMCA has generously provided me with this life-changing opportunity by covering the cost of this class for me.  All personal issues, excess weight, and opinions are mine. I own them.